5-28-16
I haven't written in a while. The "send" button was broken. Broke my daily excercise. Oh well.
Now where was I? Fantasy novel? Notes about internship? Nightime philosphy? Do I have ADHD? Am I lazy?
I missed the white nationalist conferences in Manhatten today. Boo hoo. I had no one to go with. :(.
And! I had to see a dead releative on the hospital death bed. Very sad.
I have a TB-3. Got another one coming in the mail. Should make music with it.
Also made $140. Sold The Invader Zim comics and Warhammer 40000K Conquest cards. The Dragon Quest games, 1-4, original famicom, goes next.
Should I focus on making music? Or countinue to make write daily? Can't I do both? Or do O waste one area of energy and focus on one other subject. Hindu theroy.
Am I Doogie Howser for writing at night? I can't even see the keys in the dark, just the bright screen (E-Ink).
I took a melotoni 30 mins ago. Should I be asleep already?
Max Stirner is intresting. I don't know why the Alt-left is in love with him. I like him too.
Also I watched the first batched of Amren videos today, I love Jared Taylor. Such wisdom he has.
One day, I will have the courage to do what I want. Maybe.
Annndddd... Thats only 250 words! And I am suppose to do 1300 word entries a day?
I did 600 words the other day. That was 20 mins.
I do have ADHD. Also, bored hermint material disease. Crazy. Whatever, tommorrow os another day. Another day wasted.
Fuck it, I will enjoy myself this summer!
5-29-16
I had a bad dream last night.
I was in the black car with Drake. Supposedly, he wanted to show some awesome driving tricks for me. There was a railroad track heading out in the ocean. Drake thought he could just drive on the track and do some kind of initial d trick. Burn the tracks.
I was scared and wanted out. Guess what?
He failed and the car was soon falling into the ocean.
He screamed at me "forgive me of my skills!" I punched and tried to kill him in me sleep before the car would soon fall into the water.
A pain.
That's when I woke up. I need a new matress. It felt like someone was punching me in the back as I slept. I tried to open the windows last night, put on some radio (Amren) and the fan. Still, nothing works.
I am also trying to get back on the right sleeping program. Last night, I took a Milatonin at 11:30. In bed by 12:10. Not sure when I went out. I woke up again prob at 4:00. I did hear the birds sing. I woke today at 10:10. Ok.
And then Drake texted me wanting to go on a park walk before noon. Uggh. I hope my dream dosen't come true.
I went over his house. Groggy and aloof.
I have learn not to think about the sad things, like, (((finding an internship))) and having to go back to school this fall. It's like, I'm off this summer and no one can harm me. Yet, I feel the pain creeping towards me. Is it natural? Am I just in the wrong school?
I don't care now. Getting a job is more important than a you-know-what. And when I am done Dec 2016, hopefully done that extra (((independent study))) too, I am free to make my own path.
I am in limbo right now. So it's tough to see a happy future when there is garantee pain in the future.
Me and Stacy (hot asian girl, need to get closer) went on a nature walk. I liked it alot. Talked about Depeche Mode and JoJo Bizarre Adventure for a bit. Some other things. Cute Asian Girl. Mastrubate in my dreams about her.
5-29-16 F
amily having a sunday dinner by the creek... We jogged back to the car. Ouchie.
When he was driving, I still felt like he could make the wrong turn and crash into a truck. It's my car that he is driving too.
Do I even trust him?
Once we got home, both dogs greeted us. Lil Puppy has an experince of "extacy" when he sees me. All dogs do it in some way.
Drake cooked bacon and buns on the grill. Both turned into a burnt black. The taste was crunchy and not-so-good.
The pool was quite warm today. Still bumming that I didn't get to go to The New York Forum in Manhatten. Gave $21 to show support. Wrote an excuse letter on top of that. It would of been the third time in my life I traveled to Manhatten. The last time was the first of May at the Japanese book store. Will go back again.
The sun is really hot. It's like Summer now. ...at the end of May? I should be down in Oceancity or Wildwood for Memorial Day weekend. I made the money! Spend $370 on two synthisizers. I have $200 more plus $300 in the bank account. If I had the courage, I could drive myself down and rent myself a motel by the beach for two nights. Yes. Anything down the beach. I feel young again! I remember being 20 down at the beach like a loner. I was looking for friends. No one. Just my family. Angry. If I was free down the beach, I would chase after girls. The heat pumps my sexuality. That's why I like the sun and the beach. I am finally living.
Well, I am not on the beach today.
I do like swimming. It's annoyin when Kevin has to put on some Indie Aira Acid while I'm in. Not interest in music. I like the outdoor noises.
Intresting music. Made with two Tb-3s and a Tr-8. Intresting. But, not my kind of music.
Had to turn it down after an hour. It was relax music for Kevin. Not me.
I am starting to realize their is something wrong with media before bed (even while swimming in the pool). In nature, I want to embrace, nature! When I heard music with it, it ruins everything. I can't go to sleep beacue I put on white nationalist radio. My mind is thinking about those theroys, less about sleep.
Will "things I like" put me to sleep faster? No. It's materialistic.
I should stop putting on the Ipad or computer on before sleep. I need to just listen to myself and outside.
My body goes crazy. Like it needs to ejaculate. It needs to have a voice to make it go to bed. I need mom to rock-a-bye me.
Everyone needs a girlfriends. Some are lucky. Most get married. Most don't have access 24/7.
Girlfriends and wifes are not teddybears.
I have to learn to change my mind. I have to think differntly. I have to stop with the habitis that hurt me the most.
It's so hard to control habits. I need a coach. Honestly, I don't know my own good.
Media, like Youtube, Reading, and Sound, keeps people awake. To go to sleep with some philospher on is perverted. I need to get in tone with... sleep!
Everyone has a camera to take pictures of everything. It supercededes the diary (another post). Sometimes, It's not right to take out the camera, for the first time to have sex.
Ok, take the camera out when there is Bigfoot. That's important.
Most of the time, no. Some disconnect is going on. Something to do with our flawed error.
Alice is in the shower rigth now. I should help puppy at the moment... No, puppy under the bed with Leroy's red ball.
...Now she's malfunctioning.
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