That Day I Missed The New York Forum...

5-28-16 

I haven't written in a while. The "send" button was broken. Broke my daily excercise. Oh well. 

Now where was I? Fantasy novel? Notes about internship? Nightime philosphy? Do I have ADHD? Am I lazy? 

I missed the white nationalist conferences in Manhatten today. Boo hoo. I had no one to go with. :(. 

And! I had to see a dead releative on the hospital death bed. Very sad. 

I have a TB-3. Got another one coming in the mail. Should make music with it. 

Also made $140. Sold The Invader Zim comics and Warhammer 40000K Conquest cards. The Dragon Quest games, 1-4, original famicom, goes next. 

Should I focus on making music? Or countinue to make write daily? Can't I do both? Or do O waste one area of energy and focus on one other subject. Hindu theroy. 

Am I Doogie Howser for writing at night? I can't even see the keys in the dark, just the bright screen (E-Ink). 

I took a melotoni 30 mins ago. Should I be asleep already? 

Max Stirner is intresting. I don't know why the Alt-left is in love with him. I like him too. 

Also I watched the first batched of Amren videos today, I love Jared Taylor. Such wisdom he has. 

One day, I will have the courage to do what I want. Maybe. 

Annndddd... Thats only 250 words! And I am suppose to do 1300 word entries a day? 

I did 600 words the other day. That was 20 mins.
I do have ADHD. Also, bored hermint material disease. Crazy. Whatever, tommorrow os another day. Another day wasted.
Fuck it, I will enjoy myself this summer! 

5-29-16

I had a bad dream last night. 

I was in the black car with Drake. Supposedly, he wanted to show some awesome driving tricks for me. There was a railroad track heading out in the ocean. Drake thought he could just drive on the track and do some kind of initial d trick. Burn the tracks. 

I was scared and wanted out. Guess what?

He failed and the car was soon falling into the ocean. 

He screamed at me "forgive me of my skills!" I punched and tried to kill him in me sleep before the car would soon fall into the water. 

A pain. 

That's when I woke up. I need a new matress. It felt like someone was punching me in the back as I slept. I tried to open the windows last night, put on some radio (Amren) and the fan. Still, nothing works. 

I am also trying to get back on the right sleeping program. Last night, I took a Milatonin at 11:30. In bed by 12:10. Not sure when I went out. I woke up again prob at 4:00. I did hear the birds sing. I woke today at 10:10. Ok. 

And then Drake texted me wanting to go on a park walk before noon. Uggh. I hope my dream dosen't come true. 

I went over his house. Groggy and aloof. 

I have learn not to think about the sad things, like, (((finding an internship))) and having to go back to school this fall. It's like, I'm off this summer and no one can harm me. Yet, I feel the pain creeping towards me. Is it natural? Am I just in the wrong school? 

I don't care now. Getting a job is more important than a you-know-what. And when I am done Dec 2016, hopefully done that extra (((independent study))) too, I am free to make my own path. 

I am in limbo right now. So it's tough to see a happy future when there is garantee pain in the future. 

Me and Stacy (hot asian girl, need to get closer) went on a nature walk. I liked it alot. Talked about Depeche Mode and JoJo Bizarre Adventure for a bit. Some other things. Cute Asian Girl. Mastrubate in my dreams about her.

 

5-29-16 F

amily having a sunday dinner by the creek... We jogged back to the car. Ouchie. 

When he was driving, I still felt like he could make the wrong turn and crash into a truck. It's my car that he is driving too. 

Do I even trust him? 

Once we got home, both dogs greeted us. Lil Puppy has an experince of "extacy" when he sees me. All dogs do it in some way. 

Drake cooked bacon and buns on the grill. Both turned into a burnt black. The taste was crunchy and not-so-good. 

The pool was quite warm today. Still bumming that I didn't get to go to The New York Forum in Manhatten. Gave $21 to show support. Wrote an excuse letter on top of that. It would of been the third time in my life I traveled to Manhatten. The last time was the first of May at the Japanese book store. Will go back again. 

The sun is really hot. It's like Summer now. ...at the end of May? I should be down in Oceancity or Wildwood for Memorial Day weekend. I made the money! Spend $370 on two synthisizers. I have $200 more plus $300 in the bank account. If I had the courage, I could drive myself down and rent myself a motel by the beach for two nights. Yes. Anything down the beach. I feel young again! I remember being 20 down at the beach like a loner. I was looking for friends. No one. Just my family. Angry. If I was free down the beach, I would chase after girls. The heat pumps my sexuality. That's why I like the sun and the beach. I am finally living. 

Well, I am not on the beach today. 

I do like swimming. It's annoyin when Kevin has to put on some Indie Aira Acid while I'm in. Not interest in music. I like the outdoor noises. 

Intresting music. Made with two Tb-3s and a Tr-8. Intresting. But, not my kind of music. 

Had to turn it down after an hour. It was relax music for Kevin. Not me. 

I am starting to realize their is something wrong with media before bed (even while swimming in the pool). In nature, I want to embrace, nature! When I heard music with it, it ruins everything. I can't go to sleep beacue I put on white nationalist radio. My mind is thinking about those theroys, less about sleep.

Will "things I like" put me to sleep faster? No. It's materialistic. 

I should stop putting on the Ipad or computer on before sleep. I need to just listen to myself and outside. 

My body goes crazy. Like it needs to ejaculate. It needs to have a voice to make it go to bed. I need mom to rock-a-bye me. 

Everyone needs a girlfriends. Some are lucky. Most get married. Most don't have access 24/7. 

Girlfriends and wifes are not teddybears. 

I have to learn to change my mind. I have to think differntly. I have to stop with the habitis that hurt me the most. 

It's so hard to control habits. I need a coach. Honestly, I don't know my own good. 

Media, like Youtube, Reading, and Sound, keeps people awake. To go to sleep with some philospher on is perverted. I need to get in tone with... sleep! 

Everyone has a camera to take pictures of everything. It supercededes the diary (another post). Sometimes, It's not right to take out the camera, for the first time to have sex. 

Ok, take the camera out when there is Bigfoot. That's important. 

Most of the time, no. Some disconnect is going on. Something to do with our flawed error. 

Alice is in the shower rigth now. I should help puppy at the moment... No, puppy under the bed with Leroy's red ball.
...Now she's malfunctioning. 

Hop in the shower naked with her? A flirt thing? She trust me enough. She saw me naked many times. I get sex when I’m good. Still. Sex this time?

 

Dumb Asian Girl I Still Get Blowjobs From

5-17-16

So I had a rough day today. 

I woke up in the morning, put on a blue collar shirt, went to mom to Bob Evans for the first time in forever. I ordered eggs, sauage, potatoes, pancakes, the usual from the picture. 

Mom went on about her own experinces with uncle john and grandma at a place called Howard Johnsons. Hojos? I looked it up on my phone. I read the wikipedia page alout to mom as we waited for our order. The palce started to go down hill when a black panther sniped three police officers and when
a singer was raped at a Howard Johnsons. Too bad. They tried to down sized, but consumers critized their new direction. Eventually, there are only two in existence. Mom loved the story. I found it intresting too, that the first "product placement" took place in Space Odessey 2001. Hojos would be in the far future. Supply the space astronauts. 

After that, mom had to stop at Lowes for something mundane. I had to text Sarah (asian) last night. I knew she was at Wegmans with her lowlife boyfriend. I text, "your clone was hear" She texted back "NO WAY." Soon in turned into a three hour conversation. She was watching My Little Pony and WWE on Monday night. She claims to be a brony, though she never watches the show or dresses up. She still hangs with her bumfuck friends and plays gay board games. ...And I wasn't invited? She teachers Mon-Tues, doing i-dont-know- what. Friday she has the Therapist, of course. She can't go to board game night because of work, or maybe she is jsut retarded. She never did make me the Cthlulu stick monster she promised. She did, however, make a Giraffe for "Mike's" wedding. Bumfuck, who cares. Cute animal though. She has no spirit animal. Her life is a guess. 

I remember just reading about Akira Toriyama's life on Wikipedia. I didn't know Blue Dragon was for Xbox 360. I beated Dragon Quest 1-6 starting this Janauary, I have to experince Toriyamas work everywhere. 

Then I easeddrop. Josh was stuck in the middle of the highway in Downingtown. I had to go pick him up with mom. Dad was mad. I ran like a
dog around in circles. I rushed in the car and left my mom behind. I didn't want my phone. Too lazy to get it and go get it. It was going to be a
boring ride in the car. I get to do exactly nothing but watch. Josh called my phone a couple of times. He said "why didn't you pick up your phone? use the GPS on your phone!" He translates this as if I was abandoning him. He is 

 

We found Josh next to some red building. Mom greeted him. Josh puted all his stuff in the van. I gave him the front seat. He sounded sad, a low voice. Sniffles from time to time. This is how he cries. Mom called dad a fat fuck after he called while mom was trying to turn right to get Josh.
It was funny.

We drove home together and left Josh's car there. It was a grey, boring, bumfuck kind of rain. We were silent. Josh wanted to drive the car so he can get his mind off of his car. He thought everything was his fault. Soon, Josh started to cheer up once we got to King of Prussia. I said something about sneakerheads and he laughed. Gavin Mcinnes says, "Why protest and go on strike if you make $70,000 a year?" Funny. Stupid Virizon people on strike. There tired to be like princes. They want to step up as kings. Oh well. 

Mom made the chewy steak Josh hates. I love mom's chewy steak. We got home. Josh got his package from Poland. It was a low, DPI $60 large sweater of Figi Vaporwave ciggerettes. Josh said "stupid fucking pollocks get out of my country! one star review!" I might wear it later this year if it dosen't want it. Fuck school. I wore his Hentai tshirt, I can wear that. 

The steak was mad. Josh was tardy. I got this feeling I was target as the worthless person. I do abosulety nothing and everything is blamed on me. What could I have done to help? It's his fault things are not in my infulence. I left early at 5 to "go see Alice.” (another Asian girl)

Rainy. Bad traffic like always. Libertarian friend Mike Karnik calls me. Wants to hang at bar in Ambler. Told him going to see gf. He understands. Texted while driving. 

Got to see Alice early. I ate some of her General Tsos chicken she just got. Awesome. We hugged, kissed, and did sex stuff. Some autsitc girl talked about 93/94 format. I was happy someone cared about it. I really want to print out my proxie cards soon from Artscow. 

Me and Alice did moe sex stuff in game room. We played a game of Splendor. After that game, two more kids entered the room. They wanted to join in for a 4 player game. Alice was stubborn and said lets play this game of Splendor first. Even though, could of stopped it and let them in. We played an akward game as they watched. I was really quick about it. I won, Alice lost. The two kids joined in. A good 4 player game. Will Smith: 16. Alice: 16, Me: 14. Will Smith won by less lands. Alice had to go after. She was looking for her cucumber lunch pack thing. I told her, by impulse, I threw it away. She was shocked and offended. We went to the trash and looked for the thing right away. I got my hands dirty. Not in there. She looked in the car. Not in there. Went back in game room. Some idiot autistic kid put her lunch thing next to the games. Great. She got it and I walked her outside to her car. We did more sex stuff. She looked up my nipple. Claims I have girl boobs. Also claims my nose is big and therefor I must have a big penis. Happy. Kissed her goodbye and went back in gameroom. Saw the two nerd kids again. We played Love Letter a couple of times, talked about Cosmic Encounter. Then we switched to an odd game of Codewords. "Wrestler 1" I picked "suit." I was correct. But he was looking for the "undertaker" which was also correct. I abandon the scene once it got confusing. I drove home. 

Home feels kind of ok. I just feel weird today. Had a bad dream last night the Akakei girls moved into the house and I was mad. Upset. Noone would kick them out. They are in a clique and I am the nerd. So selfish. It's not real. But I did cry early morning. It could be real. Other than that, the rain. Not a wonderful rain. A gay fucking rain. Dirty and stupid. 

I can't stand them, the Akakei girls. I want to stop typing now. My mind is lingering towards them. She thinks she is so cool that she pretends to think exactly like me. 

White girls. Stupid idiots. Snobby retards. See if I care. She needs to act more Nipon. And I know them for life. Pretends to be higher in intellect. She dosen't even know there are 1000 other bumfuck brats like her. What makes her so differnt? Escapist. Retard. Meaningless. 

Hear I go again. 

…Sarah better be asking to go out again. I need to bust on her again.