Friday, August 11, 2017

+ WE SHARE OUR MOTHER'S HEALTH +

Jack was looking for something to do. 

 

Laying in his bed, half asleep, he looked up at the ceiling. 

 

“Is this what’s my life all about? Doing nothing everyday, being told what to do, and not getting what I want?”

 

Jack contemplated his existence every morning. 

 

It was hard for him to go to sleep because of his deep aniexty. His traumas would haunt him every night. 

 

Was it normal for a virgin 25-year-old to feel this way? 

 

Well, when he was 18, he got his first blowjob by a fat punk-rock girl. He later saw her again at 23 to get a even better blowjob. …Was she made for him? No. Already that girl had a kid. Jack wasn’t going to be with her. He never put his penis in a vagina.

 

Did he ever had a chance to do that? Or is he an authentic geek that lives life by his virtues? Will he ever get rewarded for being himself? 

 

Jack felt he had an illness. Although you could call it a mere self-confidence issue. He looked and acted like Elliot Rogers. Did he have plans to shoot up the school? No, not really. As an artist, he is for expressing oneself though avant-garde shock art. So he would be okay writing a fictional story about Jeffery Dahmer murder. But that has nothing to do with him. 

 

Jack was going to be a butler. One of his favorite anime was Black Butler. Maybe one day Jack can be a submissive, handsome, bisexual type of butler that is mysterious and has a “dark side.” Jack thought he was ugly. He wasn’t. He is coddled to death by his parents. 

 

Every year the O’Donald family would get a beach house in Miami. His older brother, that was only a year apart from him, went with his own friends or brought over his current-state-of-affairs girlfriend. Jack was always stuck with his verbally abusive dad, over-protective and delusional mom, and degenerate and nihilist grandmother. This of course would be bad for any young person growing up around. 

 

They say that in such an environment, a kid is bond to get autism or asbergers. Jack never diagnose with such an illness (his mom told him the public schools are doing that because they want money for the drug companies). 

 

There is a difference between weakness and strength. Ironically, a lie is perpetrated in the school system that the weak can do what they want. When in actuality, the strong, be it on the sports teams, the jocks, the popular kids, are the successful ones in life. Weak kids get diagnosis by the strong as “asbergers” for them to never reach a level of self-improvement. 

 

Luckily, Jack has been into White Nationalism since he was 17, and through his own discovery of Yukio Mishima at an early age, he become a believer in self-improvement. 

His dad had a personal gym he would use to get a better body. Jack would run for 30 minutes, lift for 40, and have a Whey smoothie afterwards. Doing this every day, and every other, cause Jack to quit for a week because his piss was turning pink. It was the trauma that would haunt his sleep that kept him motivated. 

 

He could workout today, but he didn’t want to kill himself over trying to self-improve. 

…what an ironic death for such a fragile life. 

 

Jack would cry in bed about the dream he had about Monica last night. The girl that would haunt him since the 4th grade. Why won’t she go away? Worse of all, she was in the same beach house with the O’Donald family. 

 

In sheer confidence, his Dad picked a house, where on the first floor, Monica and her new Jewish boyfriend would stay. 

 

Jack’s hearted beaten so fast. He didn’t want to exist today. Maybe he should go and workout so he get kidney failure and die. Why doesn’t he have a body like Mishima’s? 

 

Ever since he started his internet career as a YouTube personality, Jack gets an abundant amount of hate email. “You beta!” “You girl!” “You autistic fool!” “You pervert!” “You racist!”

 

Growing up requires to develop a tough skin and let the blows flow. Jack, at the age of 25, never felt he made that smooth transition into adulthood. In fact, he was never given consent that he “was an adult now.” Coddled to death by his parents, there is a facade over his life’s direction. Most young kids in their 20s become hardcore nihilist. How many other kids his age drink beer, do drugs, get promiscuous sex, swear every second, into popular meme culture and self-aware hip-hop references? So many people try so hard to be “norms.” Jack wasn’t a normie, nor did he every plan on becoming one. 

 

Jack had internet girlfriends from the philippines that would tell him “you can get any girl you want! I’m surprise you don’t have a girlfriend! You are an amazing person!”

 

…Why couldn’t he get a girlfriend? He certainly was qualified to get one. OK Cupid was there for emotional support. But where was the physical, the dates, and the future plans to get married? Internet dating is a scam, or at least free Skype sex for some. 

 

Jack did admit to himself he was “socially awkward,” but not on fact that he was retired. It is common for people to be scared in an environment they are unfamiliar with. However, after taking a summer position selling Verison phone service, knocking door-to-door in the hot streets of Philadelphia, Jack learned that much of “making new friends” is like selling a product. A disgusting game based upon free-market capitalism and the weakness of the intellectual. Always it is the natural world that winds. …something they never tell you in academia and the public system (not even Jack’s parents would tell him such wisdom. You could call them “spineless” by definition). 

 

Even though Jack also had a trust-fund,free money he could use for interest, his own car to drive to places, he was still a loner. After his mom would insist they would need to drive together. His dad would throw absuive comments not to go out of his house, while his mom would treat him like a baby. This bipolar confusion created a bisexual nature within Jack. His dad did not exist in his life. He didn’t know what it feels to have a proper and healthy father that loves his son. At times he could love his mom, but he wasn’t so sure if this “love” was rather a New Jersey lower-class behavior of trailer trash and low-IQ city slickers. Depentcny on one another because living on welfare was a trauma for her. It was Dad that came from the family of money, but he who also hates his mother, tried to start a new life working a long night-shift. A man in his late 50s who acts like he is in his 20s. Very bad for any child to grow up with. 

 

Jack’s older brother went through worse trauma. He donned the punk-rock culture and became addicted to ahcolh at a young age. Now his new fix is pills and pot. Often he is running away from home, but coming back to his room if he has no where else to stay. 

Although Dad has admitted his own flaws of self-projection and physical assault, he cared about Jack that he should stay away from alcohol and drugs. It was rare for him to be a normal person. Jack would not discuss any future plans with his parents. His mom would go and tell everyone she knew, and Dad would insult him. …Just like internet comments. 

 

Luckily, Jack was dating a cross-dresser by the name of Natalie (Nathan was his real name). His parents thought she is a good girl for him… usually because in the past, Jack has always brought an Asian girl back to the house. Natalie spoke fluent french, is an accomplished ballet dancer, accountant, and overall good person. 

 

Jack cuddled with Natalie, not knowing until later did she reveal she was originally guy. He did not feel shock from such behavior, and in fact insisted that he willing to have anal sex with her. Natalie proclaimed she was “a lesbian” and could not date a guy, even if he truly loved her. But here “he” was, at the beach house to get closer with Jack. 

 

Jack did consider many times that it would be nice to be roommates with a tranny. 

 

Crying alone in his bed, he looked at his phone. He had multiple message left by the same Fillapina girl that he has been in a relationship for three weeks now. The same “good mornings” and “I love you.” It was good emotional support. But today, he had to go near a girl he hated to be around with.

 

…Monica. 

 

The room was a box with two beds that didn’t have much space. The window glared out a light that promised a new and exciting day. For Jack, it would be another depressing day. 

 

He was unemployed. The same feeling would occur if he was at home. Like so many others in the nation, most kids “tune out” and play video games. Jack never played games. He wanted to use his precious time in a constructive matter where he could he use it to write blog post, make music, upload YouTube videos, workout in the gym, and even draw. The labor he puts in should be the outcome what he gets back. So many people could be becoming progressive artist than wasting their lives in front of a TV or going to the “bar” on the weekends. Jack tried to use his time constructively as a possible. 

 

The only thing that made him sad is that he didn’t have friends. He didn’t have a lover, and he didn’t have, what most people call, “a life.” …What is a “life?” How do you define that? Why do ugly people can live out a “life” too and while beautiful and isolated people, like Jack, have to suffer?

 

It sounded like Monica. Old Monica. Homley as hell. No one wanted her. Yet she tried to act like one of the girls on the cheerleading team. Her chinese family tried to aim her for success, but she failed to so it. Rather, she wants to “live her life,” just like all the other decadent Americas. Jack wasn’t apart of her life. She rejected him many times in the past five years. …But why would she? Jack was too good for her. She was a little midget with pimples on her face with an awkward smile and crooked teeth. Imagine a tall young man and a third world Asian girl holding hand on the boardwalk. It just didn’t go together. …Yet Jack still hooded on to such a romance. 

 

He was into puppy love. Monica showed Jack how to love. Graduating high school at 19, Jack discovered Monica one monday at board game night. It was only next week did they met again. And again, and again… 

 

Love naturally minded the two together. Even her hovering Chinese dad came over to drop her off one night. Jack felt pride in her. 

 

He didn’t know how to “game” a girl at that time. He just asked questions and probe suggestions like all young and inexperienced men do. Because of the violent nature of feminism, Jack was afraid of the rejection of the over-powerful white girl. Monica as a Chinese-American had little to do with that. 

Jack learned how to text with Monica. He spilt his desires and dreams onto her phone. Monica listened. It was wonderful. 

 

It was three years later did he found out that sometimes afterwards, Monica would be ignoring his text… even blocking him. At times she would say “I like you,” to the point where she was dating another ugly person, and then spying on Jack when he was out with his older brother and his little autistic friend. 

 

When Jack was 23, in mid-January when he transferred to a new Women’s college, Monica confessed that he was cheating on Jack. Jack cried the rest of the next two months. He was able to find a new Asian girlfriend, which he stayed with for a year and a half with. But when Monica made a confession to Jack, his heart was broken. Monica, the most ugliest and innocent looking person, cheating on Jack, a handsome and athletic young man. Monica was a disgusting normie. An ugly person with an evil soul. She wasn’t the person Jack sought her to be. 

 

Jack always questions his own behavior. …Did he do something wrong? Was he a “sock puppet beta” that didn’t go in for the kill and rather let the ugly “alphas” get her? What was wrong with him? Did he have a chance with her? 

 

He remember the day on his 22nd birthday Monica would kiss him farewell before she got on the train to go home. 

 

And then on his 21st birthday Monica disappointment Jack by not showing up. It rained that day. His autistic friends came over and made fun of him. Jack cried in front of his parents and he told them his personal story. It didn’t go good… as his parents, especially his mother, witness a “bad 21st birthday party” to exploit. He heard stories of his brother, his parents, and other kids having the time of their life on their birthdays. But for his mom and dad, they were only owning him and taking away his personal life experiences. 

 

Ever since the age of 15, Jack felt this power crept into his life. A natural urge any free individual would feel. For the next 10 years, Jack had to deal with it. 

 

…Was it his fault he still lives with his parents? He has the money to “move out.” $101,000 saved in the bank. His dad yells at him to move out and go die somewhere else. How could Jack move out when realizing that he is left in this world alone? That up to this certain point in his life, his 25 years, did his parents and his brother di not exist? Where was he to go?

 

When he was 15, Jack’s favorite book was Evasion by CrimeTHINC. It was a narrative book about “how to illegally steal things and live an anarchist lifestyle.” Many times Jack had thoughts of running away from home at that age. 10 years later, which felt like yesterday, things did not change. Jack graded with a degree in English and Communications from a runner-down Women’s college that has not purpose anymore. 7 of those classes had the same Marxist professor he always hated. His last class was a private session with him on Shakespeare. Jack was traumatized from the whole event.

 

And yet, it was only 6 months ago did he have to feel that terrible trauma one more time. His degree is crammed in his bedroom. Jack wasn’t so sure whatever it was an achievement or a mark of toutrue. 

 

Monica protected Jack 5 years of his educational career. She was there for him. From the four different schools he tried out, Monica was there to help Jack. 

 

She was downstairs, doing something. 

 

It was time to get up. 

 

Before Jack woke up, a ghostly finger entered his mouth. It felt like a human. A finger that would bend his lips. A soft whisper, “wake up asshole.” 

 

It was the sound of his brother, Darrin. 

 

Darrin, named after his father, was only 13 months older than Jack. 

 

It was not his finger, but the finger of a ghost. 

 

Jack woke up in a frenzy thinking it was his real brother. It was only his imagination. The feeling when sleeping on ones side consulates the brain and create a dazed dream that feels like reality. Jack’s heart was beating. 

 

Jack head to the bath. He looked at himself in the mirror. 

 

“Why did he? …who is he?”

 

In his late teens, Jack developed a habit of talking to himself. Since no one wanted to genuinely listen to Jack, he felt enabled to to talk to himself. His parents directed and regarded his “eccentric” behavior as a problem rather than a unique personality trait. Jack would make noises like a mewling animal near his parents, as a self-reference joke that his dad would call him “retarded” all the time. But for his brother, who was always out of the house, just neglected him.

 

Darrin had an older-brother complex. Although he was only a few months older than Jack. Jack was treated as “the baby” and he would always be referred to him by his nickname “Jacky” (which was quite embracing, since his family never once called him by his name of just Jack). Jack never was given or allowed the guidance by his family to become an “adult.” Rather, a facade was put over his reality. If he was to truly was to become an “adult,” he would have to move out of his house “on his own,” take his trust fund money, and invest it somewhere else. His parents wouldn’t guide him in his designs. But his dad would yell at him if he had the choice to go and his mom would persuade him to stay. At age 25, had a crossroad in his life he was never presented until now. Six months out of a college, a trust fund of over $100,000, and no friends or “social networks” that he know of. Jack had to find his “girlfriend” and possible “wife” on Ok Cupid, Match.com, DateMySchool, what ever convince he could find it at. The same with work. A friend told him about Indeed.com and Monster. Jack would apply at those same websites… building his resume and making petty lies that he was a normie so he could get hired. 

 

His spineless parents told him that “college would promise him a job.” Debt-free, Jack become skeptical of his so-called “college experience.” 

 

Within 5 years of his early life, he did learn about the world and how to write. Much of it Jack had to learn on his own. One bugs liberal teacher after another, Jack swept aside the propaganda and moved forward. …If the institution claims to be “liberation through education,” then, why were most professors and students following Cultural Marxist propaganda? 

 

It was last year, at the age of 24, did Jack read Arron Cleary’s book Worthless. A simple and short book (oddly published in 2011, the same year Jack started college), arguing that the Bachelor’s degree was universally useless in the economic world unless one makes sense of it in a new market. If Jack graduated with a “Frankenstien” degree of “English and Mass Communications,” therefor, to make money, Jack is suppose to teach English in South Korea and get his money through there. Ironically, most deluded norms “get” there college degrees in the arts that have practical foundation making money. …Jack, being a young 20-something entering college, did not have an agenda coming into college (in fact, Jack didn’t even know how to write, flunking his first English 101 class with an F). Through a series of different classes in the liberal studies (Middle Eastern history, Judaism and race, Japanese 101, Electronic music production, Sexuality and philosophy, Science-Fiction 1950-1970, Film history, Internet journalism, “Social Justice” in the Jesuit Tradition, Detective history, Tokyo Lit and Film, Left-wing “dissidents” in American culture, Foundations in Science, Calculus, Animals and fine arts…) Jack picked up many different perspectives and increased his knowledge about the world. However, these mere “survey” classes were not practical, but rather playful and consumerist in th end. It was his last year at a women’s college, did Jack realize that none of the material the professor’s taught was “authentic” with their actions. It came to his vision within Cleary’s book about the corruption of higher education, and Jack became falling down. At the age of 24, Jack had to suffer one final year in college. It was the worse year in his life. The same professor for 7 classes… annoying SJWs, Jews, bitchy white girls, and to make things set on fire, Donald Trump winning the election (it was the best graduation present Jack could ask for). 

 

Those 5 years felt like a dream for Jack. Waking up, Jack felt like he was only entering out of high school again at the age of 19. …Six years of his life flash by him. Six years later, he is stuck in this beach house… the same beach house he was at with his autistic best friend when he was 19. 

 

In those six years, did Jack fail to woo over a woman?

 

Monica was in the same house with her new Jewish boyfriend, Justin. 

 

Jack remembers Monica when she was 9 years old in elementary school. Jack, and his best friends, Dylan, Joey, and Austin, would play four corners together. Monica would pretend she was a jester to joke around while they played the game. Jack felt overwhelmed by such a friend. Years later, he would meet her again when he was 20 at the board game store. And within those five years, graduating out of college at the age of 25. Monica, who tried University of Chicago, who tried to move in with a boy she liked in Cininatti (which she never told Jack about, yet Jack texted her all the time when he was at Temple), and now moving to Exton with her newly found boyfriend on Craigslist (which took less than two months to become a couple—more like two weeks), she had to haunt Jack again in the same house he witness before his teenage years were over with. 

 

She was haunting him. 

 

Was Jack a failure? He had six years to determine his new direction in life. He dated girls, but to no success, did they have romantic outings or a complete commitment like most norms are doing today. 

 

Jack never had sex in his life. Jack never put his penis in a vagina. The only “sex” he ever got when he was 18 and 23. The same fat stalker girl that sucked his dick twice. Was it sex? More like a playful act. Jack never stripped naked in front of a girl. 

 

Jack was officially the 25-year-old virgin. Give it five more years, he would become the 30-year-old virgin. 

 

Was he a loser? He tried his best to get with a girl. It never worked out. Always on the first or next dates, did the relationship immediately end to “let’s just be friends.” Jack tried to be an Alpha, by reading the works of Roosh V or Goldmund. Did they work? No. One date he met from match.com, a Chinese woman of 28, where the date went perfectly well. Jack gave a welcoming hug, followed by holding hands walking to the restaurant, and a goodbye kiss on the lips before she got the bus. 

 

But like all women, there is always that “one little thing” she didn’t like about the realtionship.

 

This woman that Jack was “too fast.” She wanted no hugs, hand holding, or end of day kisses. 

 

…And the most embracing part, the woman found out about Jack’s avant-garde pornogrphic literature book about his love for Asian women. She called it “good writing,” but thought both did not match (ironically, on match.com). 

 

Jack cried. The date was a perfect example of getting everything right, but failing just with that “one little thing.” Was it a culture clash? He could of acted like a consenting robot, did not show signs of affection, and shutted up about his erotic fiction. …But Jack was so excited someone on the internet found fascination with him (it hardly happens). 

 

Why would two human beings, that are looking for love, would not get together? You think both sides would consent and accept the person who they are… 

 

“Consent culture,” they called it. A disease of Western man and liberal society. An “individual” would never know the true value of what nature wants. 

 

These dates kept happening over and over again with Jack. …Jack was handsome, good-looking, and strong like Elliot Rogers. But it was always the girl that told him “I don’t like brown hair.” Something so stupid and frivolous, that at the age of 20, Jack would of been married. 

 

“A 25-year-old virgin,” Jack thought looking into the mirror. He wasn’t a loser. He was accomplished in the arts. But was “useless” when it came to the job market or the pre-socratic world. 

 

The world ruled by chads and stakes. 

 

Jack wanted to be a husband and a father. Would that ever be possible in his life time? Or did the culture of his zeitgeist reject his personality and culture for who he was, refusing him to have a natural love in life? 

 

Jack put on some boxer shorts and a stripped shirt. …Jack never showed for his clothes. He was owned by his parents. Jack had low self-confidence. 

 

Every morning was like this. For the past 10 years old his life, he couldn’t recall an event that was special. He lived in the same suburban house in mainline pennsylvania for 20 years (5 years old is when he remembered moving in). Every day was the same. He had to go to school five days of the week, his mom stayed home, and his dad worked the night shift. Not once did he remember a stable time when the family ate dinner together. It was odd enough that his dad acted like a 28 year old in a 50 year old body. At first, Jack’s experience with his family was quite neutral. He thought verbal abuse was normal. Until he was 15, did he realize he was treated unfairly. At the age of 25, he was aloof to commit suicide. He prime years were being wasted by ownership from his parents. His dad told him to move out with his trust fund, but it was obsolete, since there was no place to go. Jack had no friends. His mom coddled him forever. Jack, just like his other white millibar peers, had the money, but lack the personality of his friends. He had a set of cards that made him get into a disadvantage. 

 

Walking downstairs, Jack would hear the screaming and rabbling of his father. Sitting there with his stomach out and his tattoos. An old washed-up chad from the gen-x generation that though he was rather a baby boomer. Jack felt isolated from his family. He would be so happy to hear the news that he was actually adapted. To have the same blood from a racially mixed Irish/French/Polish/Hungarian family was embarrassing. A pure mutt without any background. Middle-class, boring 9-5 work, and arrogant individualism. It wasn’t so much an innate thing, but a personality choice practice by a typical white person with a trust-fund, an upper-class background, and an education. This was the greatest poison among white people, their love for radical queerness. 

 

His dad was talking mindlessly to Monica’s jewish boyfriend. Jack would quickly walk past them without making eye-contact with either one. There was no reason for him to be apart of the dialogue (verbal abuse and awkwardness assured). Jack was conditioned to feel like he was retarded (and that was obviously not true, with someone of an IQ of 120 and above average handsome appearance). But how in the world was his dad an ugly looking wannabe gangster, and his mom and stay-at-home thot? 

 

Jack already imagined his diet today. A mix of Apple Jacks and Honey Nut Cheerios in the morning, potato chips at lunch, steak and stove-oven french fries for dinner, and a workout session to kill off the extra fat. To combat such useless food, he had to eat apples or bananas, or take his daily multivitamin, fish oil, Vitamin C, etc. 

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